Last Friday my wife passed her due date. We’re on standby.
‘Are you ready for this?’ I ask.
‘I love the way you say, are we ready for this. You’re not pushing anything. I’d prefer it if you were doing some of this.’ Was the shortened version of the reply.
‘I’ll remind you of that when you wake me in labour,’ I say. ‘Crack on, off you pop to hospital.’
It’s all light hearted. Her mother had to bump start a car whilst in labour with one of them (5 in total). ‘That’s real heroism’ I jokingly remind her. She tells me bad things are going to happen to me. This has now left wondering if I’ll wake up tomorrow, or will I be smothered by a pillow at 3am for my insolence.
It was quite the journey to get to this point. We started with that non-committal, let just see what happens approach and nothing happened. A year later we tried the change of diet, the off booze and the scheduled shagging at specific times of the month. When that did’t work, in came the doctor… with blood tests and a wank pot.
So fast forward a few weeks from the Doctor and there I am, having a pressure wank at home. On the day it’s due for collection, all the while looking at the clock and watching time tick away. All the while holding my sample pot at the ready. You need to collect the whole ejactuae into pot, a pot with a hole in the top smaller than a fleas arse. Once you’ve achieve that near impossible task, you then have to stick the sample pot under your arms or down your pants (lid on) and rush to the fertility unit and sign it over. I had to do this twice as I misread the instructions and thought I wasn’t supposed to clean the pipes for 7 days prior. So I gave them a day 8 sample. I imagine under a microscope it just looked like the passengers from the titanic in the North Sea. All dead and just bobbing about.
Delivering a sperm sample was quite a mission. You have to make an appointment time to drop off you semen, then produce it at home and get it to the lab at agreed appointment time, within an allocated hour slot. All the while keeping it warm in the pot. Oh, and you have to have cleared your pipes between two to seven days before you produce the sample, not after 7 days. They ask you to write all this pipe clearing information on the form at the fertility centre when you had over your pot-o-spunk.
It was a another full year before we qualified for IVF. The IVF 40 week mark is actually the 11th but the Scan dates reckon the 5th. It’s the 8th now so baby could come any time now. We don’t even know the sex, were just gonna find out on the day. Which day is the question.
On a separate final note, the wife has just asked me if I have long toes. She’s her feet out of the bed covers and is staring at them. I’ve popped mine out and I’ve decided no, I don’t have long toes. But she has, they’re massive. I’m not sure how I’ve not noticed this before. If our child comes out with toes like that it’ll be climbing the drip stand, leaping through a window and swinging its way to the forest. Should this be the case, they’ll be no ill feeling. I shall wish it luck and send £10 a month child support via animal aid.